Its been a while

It’s been a long time since i have actually taken an initiative of sitting down and penning my thoughts down. So how have things been? How have my thoughts been holding the defenses of my sanity? A lot to tell...


It all started when i finally secured a placement from my sorry -state- of - affairs college and was offered a post of Management Trainee in world’s largest media conglomerate called Group M. A milestone crossed, I lived rest of my days in an euphoric state of madness until I outlived my college life.

I was a man now in all senses. I was now expected to make a mark in the corporate world and was given an uphill task on managing my earnings and expenses. Yet, too disillusioned by a wonderful life ahead I forged ahead .. Never knowing that my world is going to change so much

2nd May 2008 : The day that changed it all

It’s been 9 months ever since my first day of my office . What has changed? A lot.. For Starters I was packed off to Mumbai from Gurgaon to handle the Mumbai operations . Another major factor that changed my life for worse is she moved off to US for her further education.

It’s really weird how i feel at this very particular moment.. .My mind is filled with random chain of thoughts that makes no sense when I sit down to write. Actually I wonder what should i write which would explain the hollowness inside me that’s eating me up day by day. I dont know what i should attribute the hollowness to .. Mumbai, My job , Her or lack of her . Or is it that i truly don’t belong in this place or the industry. I don’t know but all i know is that i can’t take it anymore. Every molecule of my existence is screaming out loud and begging to break free.


My will to live and die have long left my senses. I feel like a programmed mechanical device who is doing everything he has been programmed to do... I wonder is this the way life is supposed to be and if its going to get better...

They say “The night is darkest before the dawn”, and I believe them. It’s just that I don’t know for how long the night is going to cast its shadows.

My love life has been the whole and sole strength during these hard times. She has always been a beacon of hope for me .. It’s weird actually now that i think about it .. I have spent so much time thinking of what’s not right in my life.. I rarely paused to actually notice what’s right in my life.. I guess that’s why it’s said that the hardest arithmetic in life is to count ones blessing...

I just wish her to return as soon as possible. I am really incomplete without her. We are one in all senses. Now and forever

Am I really Bad ?

It is probably one of those moments when my brain has successfully defeated my weakness/ passion to doze off at the first given opportunity, but then It was one of those days when I truly socialized. Strange it may sound, but for a closed book like me todays’ outing has definitely ruffled some of the unturned pages.

People, who meet me, leave with only two perceptions

1. Awful!!! He doesn’t belong in a human society. Have hell lot of attitude for nothing.

2. Hmm… Good communication skills, decent in his approach but has much more to him than what he displays.. Wonder why is he such a closed book??

Am glad that for the first time in my life people discovered a third side of me even which I didn’t know existed.

He can be fun and totally whacked out … Some of his poor jokes suck while others are funny but at least he is true at heart...


Me, Fun… You got to be kidding me... But then why is it so hard to believe for myself…

There had been times that I have amazed myself with my wit and my ability to bring a smile on gravest of faces. Even with all my flaws and addictions of fag and may be alcohol to some extent I have never dared to hurt others or wished that some misery may befall on the people I didn’t like or may be even hated…

If I am not that bad then what stops me from being in company of people … Why do I feel a pang of being insufficient to handle the crowd around me… Why it does always scare me and pushes me further back …

They say I am a closed book, have an air of mystery around me as far as my thoughts are considered… They say that either I am too cynical or too trusting...They say that I am the extreme but then I am not that bad… I guess…

A thought

As the sun would rise and the darkness will fade, we will rise as a new united nation which would not be crippled by our parasitic differences and regional differences. Neither will we be looked down as a third world country and be considered as a country thought to produce only cricketers and rickshaw pullers. We are the decedents of Aryans who bask in the warmth of a glorious past and take pride in commanding the future.

We are Indians.



Aspirations, dreams, courage, valor and endless courage... Each Indian has the mentioned quality imbibed in our souls by this magical country but its hidden somewhere down the muck of materialism and tons of greed. Will someone free my soul?

"A free man is he who does not let fear to go to the end of his thought "

Billions standing behind a nation, yet we call ourselves weak.. Playing into the hands of the big brother, trying hard to placate at the cost of our own desire and wish for development so that they can have their “American way of life”. We have been free for 60 years now and yet we let our dependence on others enslave us from getting what we want and knowing who we are. Lets us all rise amidst this anarchy and realize that we hold they key that the world seeks.

We are the answers to the paradox


I have never claimed to be a patriot or neither I have been indifferent to my country. Neither I have played a big role in its development process and nor have I cut my country short but have always held my country in highest of regard and have had a sense of pride in belonging from a secular country where the freedom of thought and expression is respected. Our rights may be violated once in a while as our loyal judicial system becomes a toy in the hand of the corrupted bureaucrats, but have never stopped believing.

We are the future.

“Murphy law applies to me”

Quite a bit of time has passed from the day I had been bitten by the romance bug which thereby resulted in mass production of numerous Romantic / Sad / Pathetic / Vague poems ornamenting my year old blog. Repetition had become a way of how I thought until a particular person rose me up from my timeless stupor. So much had changed around me, I was not the same. My condition had gone for an all time dive down Niagara Falls. Murphy Law had already screwed me long back... Only the realization came a bit too late ….


As the great Mr. Edwin Murphy has irritatingly stated “Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way”. Those of you who doesn’t know much about Murphy law it simply means that if there's more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way. Looking back at How my life has progressed ever since I left Pune , things have not been so rosy as I expected it would be .

Totally disheveled and broken I had left Pune in a search for a new life , not knowing that all my answers would eventually bring me back in pieces. It was such a convenient decision to run away from all the fears and pain that I thought surrounded me . Didn’t even think of showing some courage and standing up and taking a control of my life to make things better. No , I chose to run away and ended up paying a big price. May be it was my destiny or may be it was the Murphy law kicking in yet again... I had already made my decision and for the first time in my life I decided to stand up for a choice I had made not considering the price I was expected to pay..

I can still remember standing at the exit of the evening train out of Pune feeling all elated and confused at the same time . For long I had attributed all the sadness to the place then why was I confused and a tad sad about my departure. Was it possible that a little part of me knew that eventually this place or rather a special person who was lost herself, held all the answers for me? Could it be that all the pain that I felt came in from my heart while Pune did what it could to prepare me for the worse.

Even though I decided to pursue a management course in a college which was by no means the best of all the available options I never regretted the fact . There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t spent regretting that I should have regretted then and gone back to her... It was one of those strange experiences where the realms of realities and fantasy merged thereby giving rise to the most beautiful illusion. My first year at IBS kolkata was a fairy tale gone really bad. No matter how hard I tried to prove my mettle and prove myself worthy of the money being spent on me, I always brought home more disappointment. Life has always been a gamble of choices and I had already made mine.

So many choices which were ethical just pushed me further in the rut while the unethical ones reaped reward for those who chose to kill their inner voice. It was probably one of the worst phases in my life and was on the verge of giving up on the resolve of fighting it through. Mr. Murphy never had a broader smile on his sad face.

It is said that night is darkest before the sun rises... My dawn had come. We found each other and embarked on a magical journey beyond the realms of our dreams. She saved me and I gave her strength. It was sort of a unspoken promise. A pact which did not need either a stamp or a signature. I had never known love and she was too broken to trust . Its funny how we gave each other a reason to breathe and live for one more morning.

Distances even though have ruined the idea of a perfect romance but at the same time it has resolved the will to overcome the barriers of physical lust and concentrate at the finer aspects of a relationship. Second semester was a sad repetition of the its predecessor


A wake up call for the sleeping senses. Why should I go the right way and suffer while I could be wrong and yet be right. I adopted the way of the masses and was rewarded. my existence was noticed and was known for what I was good at . Presentations and public speaking had always been my forte but increased interest in me by the opposite sex didn’t hurt. Again I had to deal with choices and am not sorry that I stooped below the standards and didn’t hesitate to hit below the belt. I guess the stench has infected me too.

Summer training at Pepsi made me realize quite a few things which I had chose to neglect on previous occasion. It was not the 50 degree centigrade temperature or neither were the naxalites who were always adamant on blowing up a bus of two that posed a danger to my existence. It was my very own faculty guide back at my esteemed institution ( Pun intended ) who was determined to make my life a living hell despite of my best efforts. Mr. Murphy how do you do it every time? I had a choice of either working as per instructed or to goof off and butter the great IIM Kol alumni. I chose to work and my grades again dipped to an all time low. Is a significant decrease in my academic credentials inversely related to all the right choices? I don’t know... But may be I will find it someday.

After the initial shock of a pathetic grade (The guy who apple polished and had a project that could be sold for peanuts, got an ‘A’ grade. I had to settle for a B) I have started considering the matters regarding apple polishing,. Buttering and up to some extent a bit of shoe licking to be serious productive activates. Can you blame me?

So here I stand only a few months away from my placements hoping that the law is proved to be wrong for once... May the soul of Edwin Murphy stay far far away from me. May he rest in pieces...